When my husband Greg and I were dating in college, we would dream aloud about the life we would forge together. I remember those late night walks around Judson's baseball field with fondness. We would talk about our wedding day, our marriage, our ministries, our children and everything in between. Our young love was filled with dreaming and scheming. Greg would cap those conversations with a "someday, Ray, someday". I would sigh in response and continue to plan out our super meaningful and noteworthy future.
What makes those memories bittersweet is that I am still waiting for my someday. In reality, I have spent most of my life in waiting. Waiting to arrive. Waiting to become an incredibly mature follower of Jesus. Waiting to be skinny enough. Financially secure enough. Waiting to be the proverbial wife. Superstar mom. Thoughtful daughter and sister. I consider myself a professional waiter. As life is happening in and around me, I am waiting for my Arrival. Whatever that is.
I recently began reading Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist, where she talks about celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life. I could yell out loud, "Yes! Yes! Yes! Me too!" as she described how, she too, was waiting. I know that God revealed a little glimpse of His heart to me as I read this book. I know it because I could feel my Spirit let out a big sigh of relief....like finally someone had shouted out what It has been gently whispering to me for a while.
What I'm at the beginning of grasping is that my life is not about waiting. It truly is the smallest moments that create my life. Crawling around on the floor and barking like a dog with my three year old. Hugging my husband in our kitchen when I'm covered with spit-up and spaghetti sauce and who-knows-what-else. Listening to my neighbor as she pours out her heart. God is building my story and my life in these small moments. They are what make me. They are what honor Him.
I know that God can be in our dreaming and scheming. I know that He's given those soulful moments to me as a glimpse of what is possible if I hand over my dreams to Him. I also know that He has called me to not check out of reality and exist only in my alternate best-self universe. That I won't become the best version of myself until I start stacking these "insignificant" moments on top of each other. To build something bigger and better than my daydreams.
So, tonight I am going to make a craft with Madeline for the fifteenth time this week. I'm going to really listen to my husband as he tells me about his day. I will hold my sweet baby Abigail and let her pull my hair out to her little hearts content. When I pray over them at night, I will look at each of my loves, full in the face, and tell them how proud I am to be their wife and momma.
My someday IS today.
With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson